diet coke and pretzels

"So what have you learned so far?", asked the most important of my college mentors during a visit to Chaminade campus two years ago. "Wait, don't tell me: you feel like a stupid fuckhead and you can't get enough stationary." I literally sat there with my mouth open. How'd he know? "Don't worry, we all have been there and done that. Especially about the stationary bit. That part goes away. The stupid fuckhead part stays with you forever."

I began to tell him that he's right. I couldn't get enough stationary. "I feel the need to buy massive containers..." he interrupted, "for every single piece of paper you own right? You want cases for flash cards, filing trays for all of your shit." Again I was speechless. "But go on", he said with that Bronx smirk. What he was saying was true. I had bought all sorts of things to keep myself organized. I had notepads and tablets. I didn't know what I would do with all of them. He interrupted again, "You should've gone into sociology like I told you. Next time you come back let's do a field sample and write an analysis of first year graduate students. I know you suck at the quantitative side of the field. That's nothing a few good slaps won't fix. Learn to add, you religious motherfucker you."

That was him. He was so incisive with his language. Not everybody could approach him to have a conversation. He wasn't harsh to everyone - only the ones he cared about. But his stature is intimidating. At a little over 6' tall, with far inset italian eyes that looked through every shred of your own self pride, this guy was a tough man. Sure he could be compassionate when he wanted to. Those days were few and far in between. If you were there to talk shop you talked shop. If you were there to talk about life and feelings you talked about life and feelings. This guy have pretty good advice. We shared many of the same experiences growing up especially family dynamics. I think he knew where I was coming from. To a certain extent I knew where he was coming from too.

"So what's this about the stupid fuckhead part?" I asked. "Yes, you're a stupid fuckhead." I looked at him for just that moment. He looked back with that cold dead glance. "Well, what the fuck do you want me to say? Hold your hand tell and tell you that you're brilliant, tell you good job, give you a fucking gold star on your bluebook? You're old enough to figure shit out. And stop giving me that fucking sad puppy look, you prick." Did I mention that this guy cussed a lot for a professor and a Brother, no less?

At that time I couldn't restrain the thoughts in my head. I told him that as much as I learned I felt like I was getting dumb. Dumb and dumber. As if I felt myself losing my brain. That I was scared. At that moment he softened up. "You know what your problem is? You're transitioning to actually using your brain for the first time in your life. Knowing what I know now I can tell you all day about the things I don't know about. That's a side effect of learning. You become aware of the fact that you don't know about things which you previously didn't know existed. You and I belong to a small group which entertains thoughts most other people will never have. I say that you get a life and get used to it. It never goes away. It never goes away. It never goes away." You always knew when he meant something because he repeated it three times.

Was it true what he said? At first I didn't get it. Only now do I start to really appreciate that as fully as I should. Of course I knew and know I don't know everything. But I didn't know how that squared with the feeling of utter inadequacy. I know I'll never know anything about physics other than the two courses I took in college. If I had the mind for it I would've liked to be a physicist. If his thesis is right I feel so inadequate because I know there is a whole new world that is inaccessible to me and will always be inaccessible to me. Compared to what I know right now and what I hope to know or what I know is possible to know, my knowledge really is just a grain of sand in the ocean of infinite knowledge.

So what now? Hell if I know. But I thank him for bringing that to my attention. Thank you, my dear friend. Thank you for awakening that within me. Thank you, where ever you may be.