come on eileen

I was invited to a small party tonight - one that ended badly, by the way. There were a few minutes between my arrival and the beginning of the party so I stole a car and drove to Outback. It was one of those parties with wine and cheese, no real food except for pasta - and this was on my mind as I ordered.

The lounge area is almost always open. Tonight they were pretty busy. Only two stalls were open, and of the two one was on the end and had terrible amounts of passing foot traffic. The other was pretty messy. I sat there anyway, facing the TV. Football was on. I don't really care for football but sometimes I can get into it. Florida State was playing against someone else, I don't remember who.

And so, I sat there, eating my chowder, watching the game. Behind me was a small party of five people. One of the men there was speaking in such a loud voice that it caught my attention because it was as if he intended me to hear. He addressed his father across the table: "Dad, you know what I'm doing this weekend? I'm adding something to my resume. Guess what it is?" His dad replied, "I don't know, your mother and I have been clueless as to what you're up to next!" "Well", he began slowly, "I'm going to be marrying two of my friends at a bar during halftime. I've known them for about seven years now." Dad replied, "What the fuck are you talking about?" in a muttled English accent. "Yeah, it's real easy to marry people nowadays. You just get online, search around, sign some papers, and you're a minister. These two folks have been married for five years so I'm just renewing their vows. I've even got a little speech prepared. Being a minister doesn't seem that hard to do."

There it hit me: no wonder the priesthood gets such little respect. People just think doing ministry is that simple. Marrying people. Funerals. Baptisms. You know, all of that holy shit. Or, as one of my priest friends says, "All we seem to do these days is hatch, match, and dispatch."

Anyway, that was my random moment today.

Tonight after I dropped a friend off at home I took a short drive around Berkeley. Many people were dressed up in costumes at many of the houses. They were laughing, having a good time, and chilling. I then realized that I miss being an undergraduate.

Thoughts came streaming back to me. Memories and faces, places and events all seemed more immanent to me than at any other time. I remember those stupid late nights poring over exams, recycling of pizza coupons, the copious amounts of alcohol. But what I really value most was the sense of community that was at school. Granted the formation wasn't automatic. But it was natural. Once we had some ideas about the body politic after sizing each other up we were inseparable. People had a place to belong, to grow, to be challenged, and to be loved. There was plenty of room enough for everyone. Nobody spent a lonely night unless they didn't reach out. Indeed, I treasured some of my undergraduate loneliness.

Every week at night I'd have the same ritual: Walk the four blocks to my parking garage, put the key into the ignition, and begin the drive down Kalakaua avenue. I'd drive through Kahala and get into the freeway and drive into Hawaii Kai. I'd come down through Waimanalo and stop at Kailua beach and sit there. Now, there's a Burger King on Kalaheo avenue in Aikahi park. For some reason, the coke there is delicious. I'd continue into Kaneohe then back through the h3 tunnel and into town. I'd be exhausted at the end of the drive, but the memories I have of the full moon over the Ko'olau mountains are irreplacable. Sometimes I'd continue all the way to the north shore and watch the sunrise. Such freedom, such beauty!

I also remember the uncertainty of those times. Where would I end up after graduation? Would I be at home working or would I go on to school? I didn't know what was going to happen to me. In any case I wasn't looking forward to breaking ways with my community. I knew they had to leave too. My closest friends were getting married or otherwise moving on. How I wish I could've just stopped everything at the time! Too much change too quickly. Sadly I haven't heard from a number of them since we've parted. I suppose that is to be expected.

One of the things I miss is having a car of my own. I could do anything, anything I wanted. I could drive down the street to Ward Center. I could go and get some Chinese good in Aiea. I could drive to the end of the road near Kaena point, sit on the beach, and just "be". Friends would often ask to come along, but I had to deny them: this was sacred time with me and God. On other nights, we would bring food down to the houseless persons in A'ala park or at Ala Moana. There we met the face of Jesus the Christ. It was there that I knew that this was the sort of thing that felt right to do with my time. As others partied, a handful of us chose to practice social justice, to empower the weaker, and to love the forgotten. I have kept in touch with a couple of my dear friends from the streets. If only they could see Berkeley and San Francisco... I think that some of them would be happy that I am here. My heart is with them.

There is a famous motto in the Catholic Church: Aedificabo in Caritate - I will build in love. Now, the word aedificabo here is a word with some play. Like in English, we can speak of physical building, like "I will build a house" - aedificabo domum. We can also speak of an edification of a person: to be built up in courage or temperance. Aedificabo in Caritate signifies these two things. I will build homes and people in the spirit of love. I think that's the problem with the current understanding of development theory. There is no place for love.

Perhaps that's why I want to study the theological implications for human development. This goes all the way back to how the person is to relate to her or his possessions and what impact they have on the quality of life. But there are deeper questions to be asked these days. How does poverty skew my strive towards excellence? Can I ever be so poor as to lose sight of the fact that I am called towards a greater goodness? Does my condition as a person on the streets preclude me from happiness? Our experiences with the poor show us that these are not rhetorical but conditional answers. The first rule of ministry: never go alone. As we are told by the Ancient philosophers, the human is a rational social animal. If I could change the motto it would be Aedificabimus in Caritate: - Let us build in love.

How do we empower those who do not see the value to their lives to begin with? Of course that is the million dollar question for those who care about such issues. At is nexus, the journey begins with love. To bring someone to their fullest being I must first love them. This love is to be freely given, never selfish nor contrived. That would be pride or bribery. Rather, one must learn to love for the good and the benefit of the other. We know that this sort of love is possible because we believe that the fullest expression of love is Jesus Christ crucified. This has profound implications on a cosmic level: Even though God spared the life Isaac for the sake of Abraham, God did not spare himself the grief of losing his only Son. That in itself is worth thinking about. What a merciful God.

Is the homeless issue in Hawaii a problem? You bet. We have been given a new command: love one another as I have loved you. Would this not imply that we sacrifice of ourselves what we spare to others? Is each person ready to examine her or his conscience and give for the good of his sister or brother? Do we realize that our own wellbeing is caught up in the wellbeing of the least fortunate? And most critically, can we ask these questions without turning them into empty phrases of false religious piety? That in itself is the question. Religion has been silent on many things it should not be. Religion must not be mute to the real issues and problems of the day. A religious life which is Sunday-based is at once an offense against God and an offense against the neighbor. How would we feel if people cared about us only on a predetermined day in the week? Ludicrous.

All this to say that although I was born on Kauai I really "grew up" on Oahu. I was confronted there with many issues Kauai has lived without. I have extended my sense of community to different relationships. I expect that the same will continue until I die.

Like the other post, I digress again. Come to think about it I don't think I had one single point for this entry. I guess none of them do. There's something I love about raw, unedited thought only filtered through memory and the physical act of typing. It is a stream of consciousness, but perhaps it would be even better so as a stream of conscienceness. This conscientization, this growing awareness of everything that is, seen and unseen, is the doorway to a love which is both honorable to our deepest selves and to the heart of God.